"Love came down at Christmas."

My last post about busy and full days was certainly apropos.  I have been checking things off my to-do list since Friday, running lots of errands and working hard at home.  I actually slept 8 1/2 hours last night.  I think that happens twice a year, so it was quite the event.  I was so tired.  

Lack of good sleep for over a week had me at my breaking point last night, and I lost my temper.  I sat down and cried afterwards, looking at the cheerful Christmas lights that seemed in such juxtaposition to the sin in my heart that came out in that moment.  

But that's what Christmas is all about--Light breaking into the darkness, Love coming to rescue us from the bondage of sin.

"...let me hear good tidings of great joy,

and hearing, believe, rejoice, praise, adore,

my conscience bathed in an ocean of repose,

my eyes uplifted to a reconciled Father;

place me with ox, ass, camel, goat,

to look with them upon my Redeemer's face,

and in him account myself delivered from sin;

let me with Simeon clasp the new-born child

to my heart,

embrace him with undying faith,

exulting that he is mine and I am his.

In him thou hast given me so much

that heaven can give no more."

- Valley of Vision -

Ella's Birthday, Sleep-Training, and My Sanctification

It's that time of year again when it's almost Ella's birthday.  Last night we were looking at ideas for invitations to her party, and she said, "I really liked what you designed for my party last year, so I think I can trust you for this year."  She said it with such sincerity and spunk.  I love her.  

I woke up with the rain at 5:20 a.m., thinking about her as a newborn, forcing my mind to remember things about that time.  It seems like it was fleeting and fast, even though I spent every waking moment with her in the solitude of our townhouse, reminding myself to enjoy these moments because they would pass so quickly.  They did.

Ella was sweet and precious, not fussy, an excellent nurser, but I lost so much sleep in the first year of her life, and in the early hours of this morning, it all came back to me with startling clarity.  I remembered my sobs, how each morning I felt so horrible I thought I would die, and I had no idea how I'd make it through another day with no sleep.  

All the books said that newborns slept 16-18 hours a day, but a longer nap for Ella very rarely happened.  Most of the time her naps were only 30 minutes at a time to the minute.  When my day started there was no chance to "nap when your baby naps!" like all the books said.  I'm not a napper anyway, and knowing that at any moment, my drifting off to sleep could/would be interrupted with hearing her cry discouraged me from even trying most days.  To this day, if I am repeatedly awakened while trying to go to sleep, I completely overreact and freak out because I can still remember the terrorizing, helpless feeling of being awakened every single time I closed my eyes.  It was awful.

But look at how sweet she was.  She was really sweet!  I loved her so much.  It took me 7 months to finally come to my breaking point, to admit that I couldn't live with 5 hours of interrupted sleep a night, broken into 2-hour segments.  One night when KJ was working the night shift, I went in her room at 11 p.m. when she woke crying, patted her on the back, told her I loved her, but it was night-night time, and left the room.  She cried for 45 minutes.  I repeated the same thing the next night, so anxious and hating it, but trying to hold out for both our sakes.  I'd read that sleep-training only grew harder as they got older, and I was at the end of my rope physically.  I think she may have cried 30 minutes that night, but the next morning she slept in really late. And it was magic.  She learned how to sleep on her own, and from that night on, she slept uninterrupted for 12 hours at night, and for a bonus, it fixed her napping problem, too!  Her naps went from 30 minutes to 1 1/2 hours, and it was the biggest weight off my shoulders.

I'm totally digressing with my sleep-training story.  In those first two months we were a long way from that.  I was just a tired but deeply in love new mama.  And she was the happiest, most joyful little baby.  She just didn't sleep.  But guess who she's like:  me.  

And just think, if she'd been a model sleeper, I would never have discovered Netflix, and secretly got excited when she'd wake up needing to nurse in the middle of the night, because if we were going to be awake, we might as well watch Jack Bauer save his wife and daughter while we were doing it.

At the end of the day, the real lessons I was learning in the furnace of a year with no sleep, was how to lay my life down for someone else.  Motherhood stretched me more than I'd ever been stretched before, brought selflessness and giving to the forefront of my life every moment of the day and night.  And by God's grace, I am different now than I was in my first year of mothering.

The line that came into my head after writing that was:  "With miles to go before I sleep, with miles to go before I sleep."  Ha!  Yes, I still have many miles to go, and my sleeping habits have never been the same.  

She was worth it.

P.S.  Upon proofreading this post I saw the irony that almost every picture is a shot of Ella asleep.  I'm sure I was taking the picture because it was such a rare occasion.

The Unexpected

I was awakened out of a sound sleep this morning at 4:15 a.m.  Ella was at KJ's side saying that her ear hurt and she needed to go to the bathroom.  She was also hot, she said.  I let her go to the bathroom, checked her ears, gave her some water and ibuprofen just in case something was wrong and put her back to bed.  She told me this morning that she went back to sleep quickly.  I was glad because she had to go back to school today.  I, on the other hand, did not go back to sleep.  

At 6:30 my alarm rang (or should I say sang since I was using a cell phone?), and I crawled out of bed in a fog, trying to accept what God had ordained without becoming bitter over my lack of sleep.  As I stumbled into the kitchen to find something caffeinated, I heard James whimpering in his room.  It was early for him to be awake, and when I lifted him out of his bed I said, "Oh, no...".  He was hot with fever.  I took his temperature, and 101.3 earned him some ibuprofen as well.  It was hard getting Ella up and going.  She was sleeping hard, but when it came down to it, she was excited about going back to school and cheerfully ate and dressed quickly.  I was thankful for that.

So day 2 of my job is postponed, and I'm so thankful to my mother-in-law for stepping in on that front.  James temperature has soared to 103 for the second time in a month, and I am so sad for him.  He is drinking and ate something this morning so for that, too, I give thanks.  And though I didn't think I needed it, I'm receiving a low-key day with gratefulness.  It just dawned on me that perhaps I should take a nap, but if I nap now when will I exercise?  Maybe when KJ brings Ella home...perhaps a nap will be in my future after all.  

In the meantime, I've been reading online photography tutorials and picking different pictures to try new things on.  Here are the results of my work thus far:

That's C.S. Lewis' grave in the foreground.

Two cool dudes at KJ's birthday party

Our friend Jeffrey actually took this picture, I think.

Unexpected as this day has turned out, I am enjoying the quiet.  Do pray for James' fever to go down, though.  I really don't like it when it gets this high.

Sleeping through the Night

I am waiting for James to wake up so I can nurse him.  That almost never happens.  Did he suddenly decide to start sleeping through the night?  I don't think so.  But when he woke up crying at 11:30, KJ went in to rock him and put him back down, and he shut his bedroom door on the way out.  I don't really agree with this practice completely because it gives me some kind of separation anxiety to not know if he wakes crying in the night, even though in theory I know it's okay because I need to let him cry anyway so he will stop waking up and crying.  However, I had no anxiety last night because I was unaware of the situation. I took a Tylenol PM last night because the night before I was awake for 2 1/2 hours after waking up with James.  I think that after 9 months of irregular sleep my body just doesn't know what to do anymore.  I'm used to having to wake up fully in the night to perform motherly duties, and I can't go back to sleep on command any more.  It's a horrible problem.  But I slept blissfully last night, and didn't open my eyes until 6:45, at which point I realized that KJ must have shut James' door because there was no other explanation for my having slept through the night.  Sure enough, I got up to find his door shut.  But James is still sleeping peacefully, so I know there was no harm done.  


On a side note, we took our first trip to Chuck E Cheese last night.  I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby and look at some lamps and pictures, and the rain was pouring down as we got there.  Since I only wanted to get in and out of the car once in the rain (Have you ever tried to hold an umbrella over your head while removing a child from a carseat?  Impossible!) I suggested Chuck E Cheese because we could walk there from Hobby Lobby under an overhang, and Ella had never been so I thought she might have a good time.


When we walked in the door, Ella was less than thrilled about having her hand stamped by a strange lady, and she had her "unsure" expression on her face as she took in the chaos around her.  She didn't want to ride any of the rides, but she had a good time watching KJ and I play Skee Ball, and she played a mean game of air hockey with me.  (And yes, I did let her win.)  She also danced on the blue screen where it projected her on to the television dancing with Chuck E.  


When we first walked in a sweet little boy approached us with his hand out and gave us 5 tokens.  I'm not sure why; maybe he had to leave.  But we didn't have to purchase any tokens.  We just ate and played a few games and left.  KJ found several abandoned tickets, so we ended up with 39, and Ella got 4 Tootsie Pops as her prize.  She was happy, and so were we.  On a side note, who knew that Chuck E Cheese would have surprisingly delicious Barbecue Chicken Pizza?  It was fabulous!  I am looking forward to a date night there.  Barbecue Pizza and a Skee Ball tournament!  


My only sadness came from not having my camera with me (a first trip to Chuck E Cheese felt like a big deal), but here is our family on the car where it takes your picture:

On another side note, KJ pointed out that we were  by far the youngest parents of younger children there.